


Pissed

by EllaoftheOpera



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers group chat, F/M, I die laughing every time I read it, I wrote this when Supernatural got cancelled a while back, NO Swearing, No Smut, Tumblr Memes, chat story, honestly this is hilarious, if you frequent tumblr textposts about the avengers you'll probably recognize some of this, it was originally for me but I adapted it for reader insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26482798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaoftheOpera/pseuds/EllaoftheOpera
Summary: Peter likes to think he knows you pretty well, so when he sees you heading upstairs for food in one of the foulest moods he could ever recall he immediately activates the Avengers Group Chat to alert everyone and make sure they get to safety before you arrive. But what's causing your bad mood?A group chat story I wrote several months ago and adapted as a reader insert. Its honestly hilarious, I read it when I'm sad and it makes me die laughing every time.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 87





	Pissed

**Author's Note:**

> I've finally decided that its time to share possibly my favorite thing I've ever written with you all. I read a collection of Avengers chat stories a while back and got inspired to write some of my own. I have several but this is by far the best one. For context, you are a resident of the Avengers compound. There are no mentions of powers of anything, so if you decide that you want to be a superhero then go ahead. I personally like to pretend I'm a hacker and I don't have powers but this is your story so you get to choose. You are female because I, the author, am female, and I originally wrote it for me and didn't feel like going through and adapting pronouns and the like. Also Tony added a chat filter to censor swearing because Morgan likes to read over his shoulder sometimes and he's already gotten yelled at by Pepper for teaching her the S word. Go forth, read, and enjoy the story. I certainly do.
> 
> Y/N = your name  
> Y/F = your favorite show

**Peter has created a chat.**

**Peter has invited Tony, Steve, Thor, Bruce, Clint, Natasha, Bucky, Sam, Pietro, and Wanda to join the chat.**

**Tony has joined the chat.**

**Tony:** now's not really a good time kid I’m in the middle of a big argument

**Peter:** YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND Y/N IS COMING UPSTAIRS FOR FOOD SHE IS LIVID AND I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEED TO EVACUATE THE KITCHEN FOR EVERYONE'S SAFETY

**Tony: (CENSORED)**

**Tony:** do you know exactly where she is right now?

**Peter:** NO

**Tony:** I'm activating the Preemptive Online Observation Protocol

**Peter:** the what?

**Tony:** it'll tell us where she is in the compound so we can prepare for whatever happens next

**Peter:** hey Tony… you realize what the acronym for that protocol is, right?

**Tony:** I was drunk and afraid that Pepper would find out

**Peter:** that makes more sense than it should

**Tony:** SHE'S ALMOST HERE SHE'S IN THE ELEVATOR SWEET MOTHER OF WHIPPED CREAM

**Peter:** CLEAR THE KITCHEN THERE WILL BE CASUALTIES IF YOU DON'T

**Steve has joined the chat.**

**Steve:** Tony ducked out of the conversation we were having a few minutes ago and now he's shrieking like a woman what did you do

**Steve:** NEVERMIND I READ THE CHAT I'M IN HIDING WHAT DO I DO NOW

**Tony:** TELL EVERYONE TO SHELTER IN PLACE UNTIL WE FIGURE THIS OUT

**Bucky has joined the chat.**

**Bucky:** I can hear screaming all the way downstairs in the weight room what the heck who's dying

**Steve:** STAY WHERE YOU ARE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

**Peter has named the chat 'UNLESS YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH YOU NEED TO READ THIS CHAT'.**

**Natasha has joined the chat.**

**Natasha:** Bucky and I are sheltering in the weight room downstairs where is everyone else

**Peter:** I DON'T KNOW

**Peter has re-sent chat invitations to Thor, Bruce, Clint, Sam, Pietro, and Wanda.**

**Bruce has joined the chat.**

**Bruce:** I'm in my lab don't worry

**Bruce:** and besides if she was gonna hurt somebody I doubt it would be me

**Sam has joined the chat.**

**Sam:** I just finished hosting another group therapy session here in the city. Let me know when it's safe to come home

**Sam has left the chat.**

**Pietro has joined the chat.**

**Pietro:** I AM COWERING BEHIND THE COUCH IN THE LIVING AREA BUT GUYS

**Pietro:** CLINT IS IN THE KITCHEN

**Natasha:** TELL HIM TO GET OUT OF THERE

**Pietro:** I CAN'T HE HAS HIS EARBUDS IN HE ISN'T GETTING ANY CHAT NOTIFICATIONS WHAT DO I DO

**Bucky:** QUICK THROW SOMETHING AT HIM

**Pietro:** OKAY

**Pietro:** I THREW MY SHOE AT HIM BUT IT HIT THE REFRIGERATOR INSTEAD

**Pietro:** SHOULD I TRY THE OTHER SHOE

**Bucky:** THROW SOMETHING BIGGER

**Pietro:** LIKE WHAT

**Bucky:** IDK GET CREATIVE

**Pietro:** FINE

**Clint has joined the chat.**

**Clint:** ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU DELINQUENTS JUST TRIED TO BEHEAD ME WITH THIS VERY EXPENSIVE CONTEMPORARY LAMP

**Clint:** YOU HIT TONY'S DISPLAY CASE

**Natasha:** CLINT GET OUT OF THERE Y/N IS ON HER WAY UP AND SHE'S OUT FOR BLOOD

**Clint:** BUT MY PASTA

**Tony:** MY FIGURINES

**Natasha:** TAKE IT WITH YOU

**Clint:** IT'S NOT FINISHED

**Natasha:** IF YOU STAY YOU WILL BE

**Clint:** FINE

**Bruce:** can we stop yelling it's getting annoying

**Tony:** BUT MY FIGURINES

**Tony:** MY ONE OF A KIND N'SYNC FIGURINES

**Clint:** it's okay guys I'm fine it's not like I just dragged a pot of boiling water with me into the kitchen vents or anything

**Clint:** and don't worry Tony your figurines are fine Justin Timberlake got beheaded instead of me but we can superglue him

**Peter:** the band is more accurate now anyway

**Steve:** why do you keep them in the kitchen though?

**Tony:** cuz they a snacc

**Peter:** … 

**Peter:** please never say that again

**Pietro:** I'm sorry I threw that very expensive contemporary lamp at your head Clint I had your best interests at heart

**Clint:** sure you did

**Clint:** where's Wanda btw?

**Pietro:** out I think

**Pietro:** I just texted her she's out

**Steve:** so the only person unaccounted for is Thor

**Pietro:** Y/N IS IN THE KITCHEN GUYS I CAN SEE HER

**Bucky:** what's she doing?

**Pietro:** making something in a mug

**Pietro:** she's like ticked what the heck

**Clint:** this pasta is way bland guys

**Clint:** and slightly crunchy

**Natasha:** how are you eating it without utensils

**Clint:** I'm definitely not sticking my face in the pot as if I were bobbing for apples

**Peter:** I thought the water was still boiling hot

**Clint:** it is

**Clint:** I'm seasoning the pasta with my tears

**Clint:** on the plus side all the steam the water is giving off is really opening my pores

**Pietro:** she's making something with chocolate in it I can smell it

**Tony:** It must be really bad then

**Tony:** Webs do you know anything that could be making her this angry?

**Peter:** I honestly have no clue. I just heard a bang and looked up to see that she had slammed the door to her lab and was stomping down the hall. When I opened my door I heard her muttering about food

**Tony:** you know the password to her lab, right?

**Peter:** I'm not going in there when she's like this I don't have a death wish

**Tony:** but you're the only one that knows the password

**Peter:** if I die are you willing to live with the consequences?

**Tony:** well give me the password then

**Peter:** again, if I die, are you really willing to live with the consequences?

**Clint:** why are you dating this girl?

**Peter:** because she's sweet and kind and intelligent and sends dank memes and she terrifies me

**Tony:** seems legit

**Pietro:** whatever she's making smells amazing

**Clint:** it does smell amazing, can confirm

**Clint:** probably tastes good too

**Clint:** do you know what would taste even better?

**Natasha:** oh here we go

**Clint:** FULLY-COOKED WELL-SEASONED BOWTIE PASTA

**Tony:** you bought pasta shaped like bowties?

**Clint:** THE MORE FUN THE SHAPE THE MORE FUN THEY ARE TO EAT

**Steve:** so no one has any idea why Y/N is so mad?

**Bucky:** uh-uh

**Natasha:** no clue

**Pietro:** hey guys I peeked out behind the couch to check her progress and it looks like she might be crying. Not fully certain cause I’m watching at a distance like a stalker but she could be

**Natasha:** Clint peek out of the vents and tell us if she's crying or not

**Clint:** I don't know if any of you remember this but I have a pot of no-longer-boiling-but-still-very-hot water blocking my view of the kitchen and moving it would make enough noise to ensure my imminent demise

**Bucky:** eat more pasta to make it lighter

**Clint:** I already ate like half the pot

**Natasha:** how did you eat half the pot we've only been hiding for like seven minutes

**Clint:** I eat when I'm bored

**Bucky:** drink the water then

**Clint:** what part of no longer boiling but still very hot do you not understand?

**Bucky:** it didn't seem to deter you when you were shoving your entire face in it to get to the pasta

**Pietro:** guys I got a better look and she actually is crying I think

**Bruce:** maybe she's homesick

**Peter:** she normally talks to me when she's feeling like that though

**Clint:** so I've discovered glass shards in my pasta

**Clint:** I believe them to be pieces of the very expensive contemporary lamp Pietro tried to behead me with ten minutes earlier

**Clint:** don't ask me how I know this but they do not taste good

**Steve:** Clint I think we all know how you know

**Tony:** you're paying for that lamp btw Speedy

**Pietro:** can't we just superglue it or something?

**Tony:** not unless you wanna handle pieces of glass that have been in Katniss's mouth

**Pietro:** I’m gonna buy a new lamp

**Bruce:** so is she still crying or

**Clint:** I've also found what I believe to be the severed head of Justin Timberlake

**Clint:** he also does not taste good

**Bruce:** hey Clint maybe you ought to go down to medical and get x-rayed to make sure you didn't swallow any glass

**Clint:** I'll be fine. It's not the first time I've eaten broken glass

**Bucky:** I'm gonna need you to elaborate on that statement

**Natasha:** Bucky trust me when I say that some stories are not meant to be retold

**Peter:** WAIT I might know why she's mad

**Tony:** would you mind sharing with the class?

**Peter:** Y/F got put on hold because of the pandemic

**Tony:** OH

**Pietro:** how long until it starts up again?

**Peter:** Imma ask google gimme a sec

**Peter:** oh frick

**Peter:** they probably aren't gonna be able to continue the season until next fall

**Peter:** the article came out today. That's probably why she's ticked

**Pietro:** and now crying

**Pietro:** well she was crying now I can't tell again

**Bucky:** drink the water Barton

**Bucky:** _ do it _

**Clint:** TASHA BUCKY IS BULLYING ME AGAIN

**Bucky:** DON'T TELL ON ME TO NATASHA I'M IN THE SAME ROOM AS HER I DON'T WANT ANOTHER NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

**Natasha:** I'm in the chat you dimwits no one needs to tattle for me to know about this

**Pietro:** she is taking the mug containing whatever she made and leaving the kitchen

**Pietro:** it smells so good guys seriously I want one

**Clint:** my pasta is very salty now

**Clint:** it's almost gone

**Clint:** it wasn't even good

**Clint:** I feel like a steamed lobster

**Natasha:** put some aloe on it

**Clint:** well I would but you see I'm in a KITCHEN VENT

**Clint:** and also your tiny aloe plant does not produce enough for MY ENTIRE FACE

**Bucky:** Sam gave me an aloe plant a few months ago you can some

**Clint:** you mean he never told you?

**Bucky:** …told me what?

**Clint:** that plant is fake dude

**Bucky:** _ what _

**Natasha:** _ what have you done _

**Bucky has left the chat.**

**Steve:** Natasha what's he doing right now

**Natasha:** attacking the punching bag and pretending that it's Sam's face

**Natasha:** we're gonna need a new punching bag after this

**Tony:** It's chill I've got a supplier in Omaha

**Bucky has entered the chat.**

**Bucky:** I feel better now

**Bucky:** also we need a new punching bag

**Tony:** again: supplier in Omaha

**Steve:** so who's going to talk to Y/N then? Any volunteers?

**Clint:** make Peter do it he's the least likely to be murdered and shoved into the back of her closet

**Bucky:** no Peter is too nice we need someone who will make her feel better without coddling her like a child

**Peter:** I am not too nice! There's no such thing

**Bucky:** you chugged a smoothie Loki made you even though you knew it was poisoned because you didn't want to seem impolite

**Peter:** apparently there is such a thing

**Pietro:** GUYS I'VE GOT IT

**Pietro:** LETS SEND THOR

**Clint:** I thought we said we wanted someone who wouldn't coddle her like a child

**Pietro:** yeah but it's almost impossible for her to murder him so

**Bucky:** I don't know man

**Tony:** almost?

**Pietro:** you never know she could throw down an Uno reverse card or something

**Bucky:** I could go

**Peter:** you volunteer as tribute?

**Steve:** I don't think that's a good idea. You two both run on jolly ranchers and spite. You're too alike

**Bucky:** I do not run solely on spite

**Steve:** this coming from the man who purposefully angles his metal arm to reflect the sun into Sam's eyes while he's flying

**Bucky:** I do that not out of spite but because it's hilarious and I want him to fall out of the sky and into a tree so I can hold it over his head for the rest of forever

**Tony:** oh yeah definitely no spite there at all

**Clint:** well what do you suggest Tony? You can't go, she won't even hesitate

**Peter:** if worst comes to worst we can always just send Wade in there he's immortal or something

**Wade has joined the chat.**

**Wade:** hello comrades, you summoned?

**Peter:** Y/N is upset and none of us want to die

**Wade:** on it

**Wade has left the chat.**

**Y/N has joined the chat.**

**Peter has cleared the chat.**

**Y/N:** which one of you chuckleheads sent Wade in here I don't need this right now

**Tony:** not it

**Clint:** wasn't me

**Peter:** not me

**Bucky:** it was him

**Peter:** if I die I’m taking you with me

**Y/N:** look I'm having a bad day and all I would like is some peace and quiet so I can properly enjoy this sad excuse for chocolate cake and then sulk for a while so can you please just leave me alone

**Steve:** what exactly does sulking entail?

**Y/N:** staring at the ceiling until I feel like throwing my soon-to-be-empty mug at it

**Y/N:** also please tell Clint to get out of the kitchen vent with his pasta the steam is gonna rust everything up in there

**Clint:** HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS UP HERE

**Y/N:** there was a trail of water and bowtie pasta leading to underneath the ceiling vent which was dripping

**Y/N:** also the kitchen is filled with the shattered remains of a very expensive contemporary lamp and a decapitated Justin Timberlake figurine

**Y/N:** double also you left the burner on

**Y/N:** triple also the kitchen vent was steaming the entire time I was in there

**Y/N:** honestly though I'm more impressed that you managed to get out of there that fast than anything else

**Bucky:** Y/N I must know

**Bucky:** did you know that my aloe plant is fake

**Y/N:** yeah why

**Bucky:** WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TRAITOR

**Y/N:** I ASSUMED YOU KNEW WHEN YOU BOUGHT IT

**Bucky:** I DIDN'T BUY IT SAM GIFTED IT TO ME

**Y/N:** OH it just clicked

**Y/N:** I'm sorry I didn't know that you didn't know. I would have told you

**Bucky:** no you wouldn't have

**Y/N:** no I really wouldn't have this is actually hilarious

**Y/N:** this is the most genius thing Sam has ever done I need to give him props for this

**Bucky:** traitor

**Bucky has left the chat.**

**Clint:** so are we still at risk of being murder victims or

**Y/N:** just clean up the remains of the very expensive contemporary lamp and we'll call it good

**Y/N:** btw you didn't eat broken glass again did you? That's a weekend I don't want to repeat

**Clint:** well you see

**Clint has left the chat.**

**Y/N:** Nat

**Natasha:** yeah

**Natasha has left the chat.**

**Y/N:** Pietro you can come out from behind the couch now

**Pietro:** HOW

**Y/N:** your shoe was on the kitchen floor and there was a footprint on the refrigerator I'm not that stupid

**Pietro has left the chat.**

**Wade has entered the chat.**

**Wade:** YOU PUSHED ME OUT THE WINDOW

**Wade:** WHY WOULD YOU PUSH ME OUT THE WINDOW I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING

**Wade:** I COULD HAVE DIED

**Y/N:** we're on the first floor

**Wade:** I COULD HAVE BEEN BITTEN BY A LETHAL INSECT

**Wade:** OR A SPIDER

**Y/N:** you are a human cockroach. If someone cut off your head you would still be able to function perfectly. A spider bite will not kill you

**Peter:** but it could give you the power to stick to walls and lift heavy objects

**Wade:** true, true

**Wade:** hey Anthony do you have any more of those chimichangas in the freezer or

**Tony:** get off my property

**Wade:** noted

**Wade has left the chat.**

**Steve has left the chat.**

**Peter has left the chat.**

**Y/N:** I'm telling Pepper about the program you made

**Tony:** YOU WOULDN'T

**Y/N has left the chat.**

**Tony:** frick

**Tony has left the chat.**

**Thor has entered the chat.**

**Thor:** I have returned from Asgard! What did I miss?

**Thor has left the chat.**

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie the very expensive contemporary lamp is definitely my favorite running gag. My sister came up with the 'cuz they a snacc' line so props to her for that.


End file.
